Tolerable.  The chemo treatments will be tolerable.  That’s what they tell me.  The oncologist told me that I’ll probably have all the normal side effects–nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, hair loss—but it’s tolerable.  It sounds horrific.  It sounds like I’m going to be miserable for the next few months.  It sounds like everything that was considered a silver lining is now looking just dull gray.  None of my doctors can believe how “extensive” my disease is.  No one thought it was as bad as it is.  None of the scans showed that my lymph nodes were affected.  But after removing 17 of them, at least 13 of them had cancer.  They thought the lesion was only around 4 cm.  It was 7 cm.  This cancer is literally hiding in my body, unable to be found until they cut me open.  I don’t know why this should surprise me.  5 years of mammograms proved useless.

        My oncologist is very aggressive (thank GOD), so she’s going to have me undergo CT scans every 4 months.  We will literally be watching and waiting for this crap to pop up somewhere else in my body.  But it seems futile, since none of the scans have been helpful thus far.  At least it will feel like we’re doing something, but it’s not going to be enough.  All of my doctors were confident that I most likely wouldn’t need chemotherapy, yet here we are.  I’m scheduled to start treatments in July. 

        I’ve always wanted to shave my head, so this will give me an excuse.  But I always wanted it to be because I was having a midlife crisis and aligned myself with Britney Spears.  I told my twins we can get tattoo markers and they can draw flowers on my bald head.  I’d love to get temporary tattoos too.  I’ve heard they make temporary tattoo eyebrows.  I don’t mind looking like a circus performer.  I just don’t want to look like a haunted house performer.

        I have plenty of wigs, as I’ve had a bit of an obsession with them since I was little.  There was a costume shop on Long Island from which I would periodically ask for a new wig, and Mom would agree every so often.  I even wore a purple wig to my senior Homecoming dance.  There are parents out there that still refer to me as Melissa Purple Hair.  I have a Dolly Parton wig.  A Tyler the Creator wig (from the Earfquake music video). I have one of Mom’s old wigs from the 60’s that I would only describe as a mullet.  And I still have Mom’s wig from when she went through chemo.  It’s the wig that my older two kids used to try on at Grandma’s house and delight in the fun!  I have a purple and pink mohawk wig, which was a blast when we visited all our relatives in Indiana and all the uncles and cousins tried it on.  I have one that I would describe as a Southern Belle–with sausage curls to boot!  Those sausage curls have held for about 35 years, so there’s definitely a brightside to wigs.  I have sexy wigs and cheap wigs.  I have silly wigs and serious wigs.  I can totally wig out.  And it gives me an excuse to look at wigs again.  The last time I bought a GOOD wig (as in not an Elsa wig or Tyler the Creator wig…aka…Halloween wig) was when I was in college.  So it’s been a while. 

        I’m trying to think of myself as an actress, preparing for a role.  A method actor, if you will.  Like Charlize Theron in the movie Monster.  It’s funny because Mom used to brag about being carded at age 30 (back when they didn’t really card unless you looked absolutely too young), and I’ve inherited a bit of that youthful look.  I got my first silver hair just last year.  But this summer is my time to catch up.  This summer is when I get to age 10 or 15 years because once chemo is finished and radiation, I get endocrine therapy.  It sounds so soothing and beautiful.  In reality, it’s removing my ovaries or using shots to suppress them–forced menopause to be exact.  So it’s like I’m just skipping over my 40s.  Going from 30s to 50s in one calendar year.  

        I looked up the chemo medications.  You’re always told it’s a poison.  A chemical concoction.  I wanted to know the ingredients.  One is made from the bark of the yew tree.  That’s cool.  One is made from soil fungus (a bacterium).  Okay, that’s kinda cool.  The third, though, is mustard gas.  MUSTARD GAS.  That’s what they used during World Wars I & II as a chemical warfare agent.  It’s the byproduct reaction you get when you mix bleach and ammonia.  Awesome.  It kills the lymphatic system and bone marrow, so it should combat those lymph nodes.  My poor lymph nodes.  They were just doing their jobs–extracting toxins from my breast.  They just got in over their heads.  

        Another funny detail: the chemo combo is called ACT.  Just like the test that I tutor!  I should’ve known…